untitled...

It’s almost like those poems and songs. The ones that blow your mind until you realise that they're all untitled.
What can one make of this blunt honesty? This obvious disintegration? The violent withering and towering heights?
Sometimes one cannot help but wonder what the hell we are all fighting for, and what will come at the end of it.

There are those moments which, although untitled, can mean the world to you...lazy sunshine and rolling hills...yet there are the others which, under the same name, thrash and kick out against every core of your being until you lie, exhausted, in an unattractive bundle on a cold tiled floor.

Yes I felt those knives you pushed into me, I felt them then and I feel them now, I feel them twist and burn as my body quivers with charged emotions. I feel everything and I long for numbness, I long to be free of your treacherous caress. I long to be free of your lies.

You plan my future and like a wild animal hurled into a cage I cry out in desperation and claw at the steel bars.

You stroke me in my cage. You stroke me until my eyelids droop and my voice fades.

I refuse to be untitled.

"Involvement.."

I wish you knew how much I miss you.

I miss the sound of your voice and the echo of your words when I hear them in my head long after you have gone...

I wish I knew what you were doing or how you were feeling, I wish I knew if you still cared... I wish I wasn't so scared of losing you and yet I'm not sure whether I had you at all...

I wish we didn't have to play this game. I wish you weren't so desperate to win.

I wish you were here to hold me and brush your lips against my forehead.

I can still feel you beside me, I can still feel you breathing.

Do you miss me at all?

"Kneeling at your feet.."

When the one thing you're looking for
Is nowhere to be found
And you're back stepping all of your moves
Trying to figure it out
You want to reach out
You want to give in
Your head's wrapped around whats around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold..

It's the first thing you see as you open your eyes,
The last thing you say as you're saying goodbye
Something inside you is crying and driving you on.

If you hadn't found me...Would I have found you?

So long youve been running in circles
'Round whats at stake
But now the times come for your feet to stand still in one place
You want to reach out
You want to give in
Your head's wrapped around what's around the next bend
You wish you could find something warm
'Cause you're shivering cold.

It was your first taste of love...Living upon what you had.
Something inside you is crying and driving you on. (August Rush)

Sitting on the terracotta steps watching the rain drops fall and pool before me...I couldn't help but notice how my dreams resembled those raindrops...falling from the sky and crashing down on to the ground.

Pools of dreams sinking into the ground.

I couldn't help but notice how my tears resembled those raindrops...falling down with my dreams and crashing to the ground.

Fancy a drink? There's ice in the freezer...Nowadays we use our tears to make ice. We freeze them and put them in our drinks.

Nowadays we get drunk with our tears.

"The Question of the New Year"

Tonight the sky above
Reminds me how to love
Walking through wintertime
Where the stars all shine
The angel on the stairs
Will tell you I was there
Under the front porch light
On a mystery night.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind?
Would the wind be at my back?
Could I get you off my mind...This time.

The neon lights in bars
And headlights from the cars
Have started a symphony
Surrounding Me
The things I left behind
Have melted in my mind
And now there's a purity
Inside of me.

I've been sitting watching life pass from the sidelines
Been waiting for a dream to seep in through my blinds
I wondered what might happen if I left this all behind?
Would the wind be at my back?
Could I get you off my mind
This time.

(August Rush)

"Give me the luxuries in life and I will willingly do without the necessities..."

"I like my coffee black as the devil, hot as hell, pure as an angel, and sweet as love..." A luxury or a necessity...or both? One luxury that many people overlook...is beginning the new year with a smile on your face and hope in your heart.

Maybe this year will be different.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

-- W.H. Auden

"Brevity"

To a man I did not know, whose soul was writ in water.

An experience that humbles...and yet is forgotten in just a short space of time. What monsters have we become?

I wish I knew who you were, I wish I had made the time... It frightens me when your smiling face flashes before my eyes and in that instant I feel as though I am drowning...perhaps in the depths of my insignificance.

Arrogance and frivolity...competition amongst yourselves. Material wealth and the squandering of our virtues, the bragging, boasting and infantile emotions...It consumes us and buries our senses in a putrid yellow slime. We are taught how to swim and yet we laugh as we drown. We drown in our filth.

A parent should never have to bury their child, a brother should never have to feel that pain.

May Allah grant you the best of the world in which you have entered into...and may you be blessed with peace. Your position is envied and greatly feared, there is little that we can pretend to know.

Adam Desai - I miss you.

(29th December 2008)